Golden Days

Every time I go grocery shopping, I always get the same thing.  Always.  And every night before I go to work for five hours, I put the Crock-pot on “warm” and I add (in this order):

-2 Whole Carrots

-1/2 Cup of Broccoli

-1/4 Cup of Green Peppers

-1/2 Cup of Spinach

-1 Garlic Clove

-1/4 Teaspoon of Ginger

-1/4 Teaspoon of Dry Mustard

-2 Tablespoons of Olive Oil

-8 Ounces of Tofu

-8 Ounces of Hamburg (Cook, drain, and add on top of vegetables)

And when I come home from work, I feed all that to my dog, Sam.

 

 

Although I must confess that the above photograph has angus instead of hamburg.  It was on sale.  And I couldn’t resist getting it for Sam. Could you?  Honestly…?

 

 

But, before you think I’m off my rocker, let me explain a few things about me and Sam.  Because we have a lot in common.  

-When Sam was 5 years old, his father died of a heroine overdose.

-My father left when I was 7 years old.

-When Sam was 6 years old, his mother died in an accident while drinking and driving.

-My mother drank at home.  (And she wasn’t very nice when she was drinking.)

-Because his parents were drug addicts and alcoholics, Sam was neglected; he used to eat rocks because he was hungry and he didn’t know any better.  And he has had surgery three times to remove rocks from his stomach.  The damage to his digestive system was extensive.  Fortunately, he’s eating very well now.

-Because my mother drank so much when I was growing up, I used to steal money from her purse after she had passed out so that I could have lunch at school the next day.  I did know better, but I hated starving.  And, by the way, I had surgery eight years ago to remove three lymph nodes from my abdomen because my doctor thought I had cancer.  Fortunately, my doctor was wrong.

-There are times I know Sam still misses the little girl who had him since he was a puppy.  She was 5 years old when she got him.  And she was 11 years old when her parents passed away.  (She and her brother are now living with relatives.)  So I try to cheer Sam up with a good petting.

-There were plenty of times that I would curl up on the couch–or the floor–with Sam and bawl my eyes out after my friend, Britany, killed herself.  He would always cheer me up with a good tail-wagging.  (I still do that sometimes, but not as often.)

-Sam loves going for a ride in the car.

-I love taking Sam for a ride in the car.

-Sam loves scratching his back on the rug.

-I don’t mind all that vacuuming.

-Sam loves taking a bath.

-But, man, I hate giving him one.

(Of course, my father never did drugs.  And although our relationship has had its ups and downs over the years, we get along pretty good these days.  In fact, he and his wife just came for a visit in February.  And my mother finally stopped drinking when I was 15, which was quite some time ago.  A little forgiveness goes a long way.  So we get along pretty good these days, too.)

Now, when I first got Sam, it took him a while to adjust to being a new home with a new master and, heck, even drinking new water because his stomach is so sensitive.  And, Yes, I tried feeding Sam dog food, but the kid just wouldn’t eat.  Or he’d eat some of it one day and none of it the next day.  Well, of course, I started to get really worried because he wasn’t eating.

Actually, I was more than worried.

I was in a panic.

Because Sam had been neglected, I wanted to be a good Dad.  Really, I did.  But just as adopting a hurt child is vastly different than raising your own child from birth, adopting a hurt dog is also quite a challenge.  And so it was with Sam.

Parents can tell their kids to eat.  They can threaten to take away dessert.  And, if it comes down to it, parents can punish their kids for being disobedient.

But you can’t tell a dog to eat if he doesn’t want to eat and expect him to listen to you.  You can’t send him to his room and expect him to learn his lesson.  And when he wants to be disobedient, you can’t use the magic words–”Because I said so”–and expect that to settle it.

But you can train him to accept being on a leash when he goes outside.  You can train him to stay away from rocks–so he doesn’t eat them–by yanking on that leash when his mouth gets near one.  And you can watch and pray the first time he gets all that food you spent so much time and money on because you want him to be healthy again.

And that’s exactly what I did.  I prayed he would eat.  And, man, did he eat!  And he’s been eating ever since.  That kid literally will not eat anything else.

I got the recipe from Dr. Nancy, a veterinarian who goes to my church; she is also the only one I’ll allow to see Sam.  And there is another woman at my church who teaches obedience classes.  If all goes well, Sam may soon be a therapy dog, who will visit hospital patients.  I figure since he’s had surgery three times himself, Sam ought to be able to relate to people who are going through recovery.  I’ll keep you posted on how he’s doing.

This summer, I will have had Sam for a whole year.

It’s hard to believe it’s only been a year.

Because I don’t know how I ever got along without him.

 

SAM’S RULES

9.  I live here.  You don’t.  So just remember you are my guest here.  Or else.

7.  If you don’t want my hair on your clothes, stay off the FURniture.  Or else.

4.  My Daddy likes me better than he does most people.  Tough to blame him since people can be so mean to each other.  I don’t get it.  I think they should stop.  Or else.

6.  You may think I’m just a dumb animal who can’t count, but to my Daddy I’m an adopted son who walks on all fours.  In fact, I’m the perfect son because I never borrow the keys to the car or ask for money.  So think before you ask.  Or else.

10.  Besides, if you think I’m stupid, why do you work all the time while I stay at home and sleep?  So you just remember who is stupider.  Or else.

5.  If you say “OUT” and I start doing my Famous Snoopy Dance, that means I have to poop.  You better remember that, too.  Or else.

1.  I can’t speak too good, but I sure know how to bark when someone’s at the door or there’s trouble.  So you just watch yourself.  Or else.

3.  If I come up to you while you’re watching TV and give you my Famous Puppy Look, that means I think you’re watching too much TV so you’d better pet me.  Or else.

2.  I always do what my Daddy tells me to do.  But I’ve got a short attention span.  That doesn’t mean I’m stupid.  It just means I think life is fun and I want to enjoy it.  You should, too. Or else.

8.  When dogs start picking up people poop, we’ll be the masters and humans will be the pets.  Until then, we’ll just snicker when you aren’t looking.  So enjoy it while you can, “Master!”  Or else.

 

Once In A Blue Moon

 

“So how you know God really exists?”

 

Because.

My ex-girlfriend called.

Five years after

We broke up.

And she apologized–

For everything.

 

And that…is all the proof I need.

 

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If a prophet had asked…

Oh, Lord!  How much longer?  How much longer must we endure these horrors at the hands of The Nazis?  Your people are suffering atrocities at Auschwitz untold in ages past!

These Nazis pluck babies from their mothers; these infants are tossed up in the air and fired upon as if they were target practice!  Their blood splatters over Your people, the prisoners!

Last night, my mother lay down beside me, but she suffered from a fever, a sickness brought on by malnutrition.  They refused to treat her; they were unwilling to feed her.

Last night, she was alive!  While I was sleeping she passed away, and the rats ate her body while it was still warm!  There is nothing left of my mother but a bloody skeleton!

My father died at Dachau.  For The Nazis came for him in the middle of the night, stripped his clothes in the dead of winter, and bound his hands and feet to the ground!

And I listened as every hour on the hour a Nazi would throw cold water over my father in the middle of that long winter night! My father died screaming, praying for deliverance!

He passed away as a guinea pig because of those Nazis!  My father died of hypothermia just so they could see the best way to warm up their pilots who eject over the ocean!

A man of medicine ordered this, but even their doctors are killers!  How long, O Lord, must we endure this atrocity?  How soon until we are delivered from the gas chambers?

Shall Your people simply march to their deaths?  Will You not, O Lord, remember the promise You made to our ancestors, the covenant You established with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob?

For if we are Your people, then surely this abomination shall not continue!  I may stand in the line to the gas chamber, but still I will await deliverance from The God of My Fathers!

…then would The Almighty have answered?

Behold!  For I have heard your suffering, and as surely as I live, this abomination shall not continue; this atrocity shall end!  Stop walking!  Stand in your faith that I AM faithful!

Listen to me very carefully; do not lose sight of My words.  For the answers you seek can be found in the pages of long ago, in The Books written in days of old.

Those who say I have been silent throughout the ages, do not know Me.  They have forsaken My commands to fill their own desires; because things did not go their way,

They have turned away from their faith, but the strength of My people shall stand as a testimony against their weakness.  There is no love between neighbors.

For the peoples of this world have a knowledge they were never meant to have–the knowledge of good and evil–therefore, they will never master it.  Instead, it has mastered them.

Children are violated, mothers are scorned, the rich exploit the poor, governments are corrupt, and rape and murder are everywhere.  But love does no harm,

And perfect love drives out fear.  This I have told you ages ago, but you did not listen.  Therefore, I shall send a reckoning so great it will purge the hypocrisy from the people’s hearts.

Does the lion with a full stomach hunt the lamb?  Does a woman give birth without pain?  Does a plant grow from a living seed?  No, for the seed must die that the plant may live.

How shall a man ever know courage without facing tragedy?  How can a woman know sacrifice without her children’s needs?  And how shall the peoples of the earth ever know

Just how much they need Me unless I let them taste their own degradation?  For the lion with the full stomach ignores the lamb until hunger aches and drives it to hunt again.

So shall it be with the people I have created, those who have turned their back on Me from the beginning.  For since so many have chosen to ignore Me,

Then I will show them what happens when they ignore My command to love their neighbors; and from that reckoning there shall come an awakening–as it was in days of old.

For I am going to do something you will not believe even when you see it with your own eyes:  I am raising up The Soviets to capture your captors, and The Americans to liberate My people.

The wounded bear is on the prowl, and it shall devour your enemies.  Its strength cannot be counted, its muscles are beyond measure, and its teeth shall chew on your captors–

For the most dangerous animal is a bleeding mother protecting her cubs.  And after the hammer pounds the swastika, the sickle shall shall cut it down once and for all.

Gaze upon The Soviets and see their cruelty, for if they kill their own soldiers who retreat in battle then they shall surely show no mercy to those who have shown you no mercy.

Your enemies will live in shame for an entire generation, that once proud nation shall know humility while held in the fangs of the bear, crushed under the sharpest claws.

And while the bear shall rule your captors from the east, the eagle shall soar in the west.  A nation united shall also divide your enemies, for I am raising up The Americans.

Even now, they stand in breadlines awaiting their ration of food; their lives are miserable because a great depression has swept over their lands, and their ground is but a dustbowl.

But as surely as I made a promise to your ancestor, Abraham, I will raise up The Americans from the throes of this great depression, and they shall release you from your captors.

Today the skies billow with smoke as My enemies attempt to extinguish My people, but tomorrow The Americans will attack in fire, for I shall rouse a sleeping giant;

And you shall see the dogfights in the skies and hear the thunder of their weapons.  For the factories that make cosmetic casings today shall turn out arrows of lightning tomorrow;

Just one of their weapons will strike down many, but they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for that which fuels their explosives today shall fertilize their crops tomorrow.

And look!  Far to the east!  See The Empire of The Sun rising in the peaceful sea, but My Hand is against them, My Arm stretched out before them.

For their loyalty is voracious; they will not stop unless I turn them back.  And turn them back I shall; for even now, their kamakazies are proud to mark their deaths.

See their soldiers as they march in Myanmar, their well-trained warriors who put their trust in their own weapons shall fall before Me on the island of Ramree.

As they have feasted on their enemies, so shall the saltwater crocodiles feast upon them; for 10,000 of their troops will march through the dark swamps, but only 20 will see daylight.

Darkness is falling upon The Empire of The Sun, and they shall see such calamity upon their lands as was never seen before and shall never be seen in times to come.

For when the smallest particle is split, the greatest destruction comes; a sheet of sun shall conquer The Empire of The Sun, a devastation so great it shall be seen from the heavens.

So terrible will be this fire from the sky and this fallout from the heavens that in times to come even the American victors will speak of it as an unprecedented evil.

But after these things have taken place, after I have raised you up, you must teach your children to remember the atrocities you have endured that this shall happen Never Again!

And if a prophet had also asked…

O Lord, how can The Americans possibly liberate Your people?  That nation has been plagued by prejudice and has reeked of racism since its conception!

How can we be delivered by the arms of America when their own people cannot sit at a lunch counter and eat?  For they have passed laws that are detestable in Your sight!

Their people delight in lynchings and rejoice in killings!  They speak of freedom and sing of liberty, but their own people are segregated and degraded daily!

Since The Empire of The Sun has attacked them, their own citizens have been sent to camps, prisoners in their own nation–even though they have foresworn their native lands.

And if The Americans are that brutal toward their own people, how can we possibly believe that they shall liberate us from The Nazis?  Shall we live like the sons of slaves?

O Lord, can You not see fires blazing America?  Shall Your people live in fear from the intimidation of the white men in white sheets?  The killers who dress up in cone-heads?

Like the snake in The Garden, those religious leaders have twisted Your words to serve their own evil purposes; they mock those living in poverty, and murder men

And women, while those made in Your Image are forced to live in segregation and disgrace!  Shall we see the light of day from the atrocities at Auschwitz only to be delivered

Into the hands of men whose evil rivals that of our captors?  For how long, O Lord, shall it be before such men are elected to power in America?  How soon until their hatred

Consumes that nation because of those who spew such venom?  For there are no noble kings in that land, no good shepherds to hunt down the wolves arising in America.

…then would The Almighty have also answered?

Behold!  Do not despair, My people!  For it is I who causes the sun to rise on the evil and the good, Me who sends the rains down upon the righteous and the unrighteous.

Remember, too, the day the sun stood still over Gibeon, and the moon did not move over The Valley of Aijalon.  For there has never been a day like it before or since,

When the hailstones fell upon the frightened people who were fleeing on the road from Beth Horon to Azakah, a single nation struck down many, so shall it be again.

And even those who shall reap the spoils of the victory I am granting, will speak of the unspeakable, and will utter words against the power I am giving them, in times to come.

But I am not yet finished with America!  For when that nation was young, I sent My Sojourner of Truth to warn them of the weasel within their lands, the snake striking from the weeds.

But they did not heed My messenger.  I spoke to her, and she spoke for Me, but those with ears could not hear, those with eyes could not see, and the wise could not comprehend.

I commanded her to travel up and down the land, to show these people their sins and to be a sign to them, and though she could not read or write

I chose her, a former slave whose family was sold, to speak against a nation that promised justice but legalized brutal slavery and denied rights to her citizens.

Yet, they delight in telling their children of the ten plagues I sent against Pharaoh and Egypt, but their eyes are closed; they do not realize that with each one I showed

My blatant contempt for brutal slavery.  And though Sojourner Truth was thought to be a fool in eyes of the slave-holders, the brutality of America shall soon be seen all around the world.

Have I not chosen the foolish in the eyes of this world to shame the wise of this world?  Is there any nation, any race, any people who shall not answer to Me?

Listen closely!  For I am not yet finished with America!  In times to come–and this shall happen quickly–another woman shall rise by staying in her seat.

A single woman sitting on a bus shall spark a revolution among her people.  I made her feet; they are not tired.  I created her heart, and it is tired–of giving in to segregation.

And from that spark, there shall come a prophet, a man I have chosen to end segregation in America.  In a land without royalty, he shall be called King, and I will grant him The Crown of Life.

Many attempts will be made upon his life, to take him from his people, but he will not pass until he has done what I have appointed him to do, and though a knife will penetrate his chest–

Fractions from his heart–he shall not even sneeze.  Though today his enemies claim victory in their lynchings, tomorrow all children shall sit together at the same schools–in peace.

His voice shall echo through the lands like the thunder roars, his words shall strike like lightning at the hearts of the hypocrites who twist my words like the snake in The Garden.

Like a Category 5 hurricane, his words shall purge a land filled with the degrading segregation of the south, and he shall speak against the poverty of the northern land.

He will fight without raising a fist, and battle for the oppressed while never drawing a weapon.  Though his enemies strike him, he will not strike back, but he shall stand on faith,

And the whole world will know that I am with him.  For he shall have a dream, a great vision of unity among the divided peoples of his country, and righteousness shall flow like

A mighty stream.  For this dream will shatter the barriers of segregation and break the chains of discrimination, and freedom shall ring at last from the land called America.

He shall humble the sole power to emerge from the conflict that now threatens My people, and a risen giant shall know humility like the shepherd David brought down the warrior Goliath.

For this power I am granting The Americans is far, far too great for any one nation to hold.  So after four years, I shall test them for forty years; allies today shall be enemies tomorrow.

For forty years, they shall live in fear of the sheets of sun; their children shall duck under their desks, their parents shall build bomb shelters in their backyards–so great is their fear!

But when these two great powers of the west and of the east overstep their bounds, I shall turn My hand against them.  In the jungles of Vietnam, the soaring eagle

Shall be brought low, and in the deserts of Afghanistan the proud bear shall be humbled.  Though they aim their arrows of lightning and launch their fires from the skies,

The peoples of the jungles and of the deserts shall be victorious against them.  Do I, the Lord, show favoritism?  Has everyone forgotten what the commander of My army told

Joshua before the fall of Jericho?  For when Joshua asked, “Are you for us or for our enemies?” My messenger said, “Neither.”  Remember, too, that I had brought My people out of Egypt,

From a land where they were slaves, and for forty years I fed them.  Still, My answer was, “Neither.”  Therefore, let it be known that I, the Lord, do not show favoritism.

And let all the nations know:  it is not the weapons that win the war, nor the soldiers who achieve victories. but only I, the Lord, grant victory or defeat–as I decree.

And when these powers do, indeed, overstep their bounds, then they, too, shall fall before Me; for those who live by the sword shall die by the sword at the hands of those who are left;

For whoever sheds the blood of man by man shall his blood be shed, and those that plunder many nations shall themselves be plundered by the peoples who are left.

So shall it be for the great powers of the west and the east, if they should use their power for their own greed instead of helping their neighbors across the seas.

I have heard the suffering of my people, and as surely as I live, this abomination shall not continue; this atrocity shall end!  Stop walking!  Stand in your faith that I AM faithful!

For I will give you back the land I promised to your fathers, the ground I declared would be your mothers.  As it was in days of old, so shall it be again.  For as surely as I live

I will restore My people to the land of their ancestors.  Many shall rise against you, but all of them shall fail, and you will know that I am with you.  In times to come,

For six days you shall battle against your enemies, but on the seventh day, you shall rest; and all the peoples of the earth shall know that I am with you once more.

But look closely at that wall in the east!  Gaze upon the words and be warned!  For it says, “Jews go back to Israel!”  And you shall return, as I decree, but the hatred of My people

Shall continue.  For I tell you the truth, within a generation that same wall will be covered in new words but tell of old hatred.  For it shall say, “Jews get out of Palestine!”

Therefore, be vigilant!  Keep my commands and honor my decress.  For you have spent thousands of years wandering among the nations, you were like a child without a father.

Because you were oppressed by those in the lands you lived, you must not oppress those who live in your lands.  You cried out to me because you were oppressed by your captors;

Therefore, you must not become captors.  For after I have raised you up, you must teach your children to remember the atrocities you have endured that this shall happen Never Again!

Though today you long for death to end your suffering at the hands of The Nazis, tomorrow you shall again feast in the land of your ancestors–as surely as I, The Lord God Almighty, live.

 

 

A Few Notes From The Author…

-All comments are moderated.

-Inappropriate comments will be deleted.

-Comments that stray from the subject will be deleted.

-Dr. Sigmund Rascher conducted hypothermia experiments at Dachau.

-Ammonium nitrate is a key ingredient in explosives.  After the war it was used to fertilize crops in The United States.

-Certain graphic details were taken from In The Hell Of Auschwitz by Judith Sternberg Newman.  I actually have an autographed copy and, on the inside cover, she wrote, “Free Again.”

-The Soviet Union tested its first nuclear bomb four years after the attacks on Hiroshima and Nagasaki.  The Berlin Wall, the most distinct symbol of The Cold War, fell 40 years later.

-Was it right for The United States to drop atomic bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki?  The people of the time certainly thought so, but, for the sake of the future, I hope nobody else ever sees it that way.

-The writing on the “wall in the east” is taken from Amos Oz’s How to Cure a Fanatic.  Oz also makes a very significant distinction between war and aggression when he brings up a very valid point about the unfortunate necessity of war:  ”If everyone but The Nazis had believed in war in 1939 then Hitler would have been lord of the universe by now…War can be the answer, but aggression is the problem.” 

-According to The 2007 Guinness Book of Records, the “Most Fatalities In A Crocodile Attack” took place on February 19th 1945 when “a Japanese Army unit was forced to cross 10 miles of mangrove swamps on the Burmese (now Myanmar) island of Ramree.  The swamps are home to many saltwater crocodiles, which can grow up to 15 feet long.  By the morning, of the 10,000 soldiers that had entered the swamp, only 20 had survived” (page 165).

Michelle

Well, it seems my good friend, Michelle, has gone “incognito,” for lack of a better term.  I don’t know about the rest of you, but I miss her.  She is a great writer and has a wonderful sense of humor.

So I got myself an idea.

I have her mailing address so I thought I’d write her a letter to see how she’s doing.  But then it occurred to me–Why don’t I just let Michelle’s blog buddies send their best wishes in comments to this post and then I’ll print them up and send them to her so she knows how much we miss her?

Mind you, not very many people visit my blog so if you’re reading this, please pass it on to someone you know who might like to say “Hi!”

Comment as often as you like.

My Place In The Field

For those of you wondering, I am not finished revising my manuscript.  Not even close, actually.  I have just started The New Chapter Nine– so named because it’s a whole new chapter–and I’ve still got miles to go before I sleep.  But even though I’m Lost On The Green, I figured I might as well get back on the golf course and start hacking away at that ball.

In the rain.  And the mud.

Just like that famous golfer from my favorite movie.

Junuh knew that if he had any chance of winning the match, he had to come to terms with his own personal demons.

And as a famous author once said:

It’s the journey that matters, not the destination.

I was too focused on the journey, not the destination.  But In that journey, I’ll face my demons.

And that begins here.

I started this site because I believed I had something to say, and I wanted the freedom to say it without answering to anyone but myself–no professors, no peer critics, no editors.  No reviewers writing about my work without ever having read it.  No, not this time.

But I will say that this is the most extensive revision of a single manuscript that I have ever done. That is not an easy task to undertake when one is being “tested by adversity,” as director Robert Redford put it when discussing The Legend of Bagger Vance.

But no storm lasts forever.  Once the gale hits land, the winds encounter resistance.  And the storm starts to die.  Run, and you give the wind less resistance.  So the storm lasts longer.

Stand your ground against the gale, and, in the end, you will last longer than the storm.

While this is not quite the celebratory return I had hoped for–no flags of mine are flying–I am going to enjoy being on the green, searching for my place in the field.

But I hope you’ll enjoy my writing again.

The sleeping bear has woken.

My hibernation is over.

Night

To get involved, click here.

Dark Days

 

You have eyes, but you cannot see.

You have ears, but you cannot hear.

You sing joyously, but condemn quickly.

You smell spring, but you sneeze fire.

You taste grace, but you spit venom.

 

Lost On The Green

A golfer, I’m not.

But my favorite movie is all about golf and it’s all about life.

In The Legend of Bagger Vance, Rannulph Junuh became a town hero because of his gift for the game of golf, but he soon lost that gift–his “authentic swing”–when he went to war.  Haunted by the personal demons of his grief, Junuh lives in isolation as he tries to forget and be forgotten.

But the past beckons as Junuh is soon called upon to play in a exhibition match against two champion golfers.  The story takes place shortly after The Great Depression hits The United States, and the town needs the match to revitalize the local economy and wants it to restore the pride of the city of Savanah, Georgia.  And this burden soon rests solely on the shoulders of Junuh.

 But Junuh has a serious problem.

“I lost my swing,” he says.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with him physically.  But Bagger Vance sums up the importance of the swing while he and a little boy named Hardy–who is also Junuh’s biggest fan–are out measuring the golf course for Junuh the night before the match.

“Inside each and every one of us is one true, authentic swing. Somethin’ we was born with, somethin’ that’s ours and ours alone. Somethin’ that can’t be taught to you or learned. Somethin’ that got to be remembered. Over time, the world can rob us of that swing. It gets buried inside us under all our wouldas and couldas and shouldas. Some folk even forget what they swing was like.

“Some folk even forget what they swing was like.“

After a month of trying to finish editing my manuscript, I have discovered that I too have lost my swing.  The personal demons of my grief have become too much.

Some of them I still can’t talk about.  Like my cousin.  The first anniversary of his suicide was last month.  One afternoon, he got drunk, he put his car in the garage, he closed the door, and…he started the car.

But I still can’t talk about it.  My grief was so overwhelming that I went straight from shock into denial.  And I have been there ever since.  I have reasoned why he did it.  But I still can’t talk about it.

I want to talk about it.  I’ve tried to talk about it.  But it’s hard to find someone who will shut up long enough to listen, who won’t start telling me what I should do, won’t start throwing cliches at me.

Most people are so naive about grief they think they can put a Band-Aid over a bullet wound and the pain will stop.  Well, it doesn’t stop.

So…I lost my swing.

For a novelist to lose his swing, it’s like knowing the names of your best friend, your family, your children.  And you know the things that have happened to them, but you don’t know who they are.  Because one day you just woke up and you realized that you forgot every conversation you ever had with them about how all the things that have happened to them have affected them.

I know the names of my characters.  I know what happened to them.

But I don’t know who they are anymore.

I lost my characters.

I lost my swing.

A few years ago, when I got stuck on a problem while writing, I would take off my shoes, take out my hearing aids, take off my glasses, and lay down.  But I wouldn’t sleep.

I would search.

And I would stay there for however long it took for me to find my characters.  With all my other senses completely blocked off, I had no distractions.  And once I found my characters, I could let them tell the story.

I would, as Bagger put it, “stop thinking without falling asleep.”

Truth be told, I have played golf once in my entire life.  My first shot landed on the green.  Two putts later, I let the ball go in the hole.  Haven’t played since.  Never saw the point.

But I remember that moment.  My first swing.  How clear it was.  How settled I was.  I had a good grip on my world.  I was writing then.  I had my swing.  My authentic shot.

“There’s a perfect shot out there tryin’ to find each and every one of us. All we got to do is get ourselves out of its way. Let it choose us. You gotta look with soft eyes. See the place where the tides and the seasons…and the turnin’ of the earth…all come together. Where everythin’ that is…becomes one.  You gotta seek that place with your soul.”

But when the soul is in agony, it’s tough to get yourself out of the way.

I lost my swing.

And I don’t know how to get it back.

SunBeams 3

Ten things about me you don’t know…

10.  I used to work the M&M’s Company, but they fired me for throwing away all the W’s.

9.  I can jump higher than The Empire State Building.  It’s true.  The Empire State Building can’t jump.

8.  When I was taking a writing course in college, several of my classmates told me that I read so well and so dramatically that I should go into radio.  I told them I wouldn’t fit.

7.   When I was in high school, my history teacher explained the rules of our final exam and then asked, “Are there any questions?”

So I said, “Yeah.  Hey, who cut your hair?”

6.   One night when I was a teenager, I was about to go out with some friends when I saw my mother sitting on the couch laughing hysterically at something.  I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what it was so I asked, “What’s so funny, Ma?”

And she said, “Well…I bought this new pair of pants, but they needed to be hemmed.  So I hemmed one leg and then I hemmed the other leg, but I did such a good job on the first leg that I hemmed the same leg twice!”

5.  A few years ago, I was driving on the highway when I got a flat tire.  So I pulled over and changed the tire, but, unfortunately, I locked my keys in my car.  After searching the trunk, I found an old coat hanger and slid it down between the door and the window.  Several minutes later, while I was still trying to unlock the door, a police officer pulled over and asked what was going on.  I explained that I had locked my keys in my car and was trying to open the door.  But then the police officer said, “Well, you’d better hurry up.  The top is down and it’s starting to rain.”

4.   I recently cut my thumb.  Really bad.  So bad I had to go to the hospital.  While I was waiting, I saw a man come out of the emergency room with a cucumber in one ear, a banananananana in his other ear, and a strawberry stuck up his nose.  So I asked, “What is wrong with you?”

And the man answered, “I’m not eating right.”

3.   I know how to spell bananananananananana, I just don’t know when to stop.

2.  My ex-girlfriend was only about five feet tall, but she would never, ever say that she was short.  I mean, not ever.  So one day, I asked, “If you’re not short, then what are you?”

And she said, “I’m afraid of heights.”

And the number one thing about you probably don’t know…

1.  When I’m married, I’m going to wait until my wife gets into bed.  Then, I’ll grab a glass of water and some aspirin.  And she’ll say, “But I don’t have a headache.”

And I’ll say, “GOTCHA!!!”