Storm Stories: Out of the Darkness

Here today is a Storm StoryTeller with a tale you might not expect from such a longtime believer, but Dale’s journey–including his honesty and his knack for writing between the lines–is a great guide for the rest of us who are also enduring…

THE LONG DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL 

by Dale H.

After more than 22 years of ministry, on a late November evening, after everyone left the Bible study in our living room, I announced to my wife, “I’m through. From this point on I will never again say another prayer, or go to church, or pray before a meal, or read my Bible, or anything else that appears to be religious or Christian.” 

I had reached the absolute end of my tolerance for the many things that I could no longer explain nor understand. To me, it was all simply an exercise in intellectual jousting, never yielding any real substance. My ‘gift’ as a teacher appeared to be nothing more than a well-trained mind that happened to be just a little quicker than those who looked to me for instruction. 

I was through. No more. 

Thus began a long descent into the darkness of doubt that I had held at bay for years. I had no strength of resistance left. Giving in to the doubt seemed the best route for me at the time. 

It is amazing what can happen when one reaches the end of one’s own strength. I often wonder what Peter felt when he realized that he was not nearly as strong as he thought. I think I felt somewhat the same. 

My wife of 22 years had no capacity to understand what was going on for me. The best man for our wedding was pastoring a church nearby, and I went to visit him. He called it a crisis of faith. My wife, however, decided it was apostasy. She left. With no support from family or friends the darkness became blacker and thicker. 

When one cannot see, one wanders, groping for anything solid. I groped for philosophy, mysticism, Buddhism, Hinduism, love, acceptance. That was what I was missing in my life—acceptance. 

After 22 years of emotional abuse, of non-acceptance, I no longer had any idea about who I was or what I was about. Support groups were comprised mainly of women, and every testimony made it seem as if men never suffer in a marriage. That only added to my pain, because I was hurting at a deep and chronic level, and had been for years. 

But, there is One who never leaves nor forsakes His own. Regardless of the darkness and gloom, regardless of where I made my bed, regardless of how hard or where I tried to run, He was there. 

I could not shake the years of training that He had led me through. No matter what I was doing, who I was with, something about His grace, mercy, or love would always come out. 

I slowly began to find my way back to reality. It was not, after all, about me or who I was. It is about the Lord of the universe!! 

The doubts had begun because I could not see the truth of the Word being lived out in the lives of friends and the woman I loved, who claimed to be Christian. The verse that clinched it for me was 1 Thessalonians 2:13 “…when you received the word of God which you heard of us, you received it not as the word of men, but as it is in truth, the word of God, which effectually works also in you who believe.” 

I became convinced that the Word of God did NOT, in fact, work. I looked around at my wife and others, and saw little or no change. I became convinced the Word of God was not effectual, and that I must have made all the changes in my life through my own strength. 

Though I no longer would read my Bible, meditation on the Word was still a regular event in my life. I didn’t try. I didn’t set aside time for meditation. It’s just that I am a thinker, and the Word would continually come up in my thinking. I couldn’t help it. (Hiding the Word in the heart has great benefits.) The Holy Spirit continued to guide this one into truth. 

Then one day, it hit me! I was disbelieving only part of that verse. Had I looked at the entire verse, I would have understood a truth I had not been willing to face. The Word only “effectually works in (those) who believe.” 

Without faith it is impossible to please God (Hebrews 11:6). 

My wife had stated plainly that there were teachings from the Bible she did not accept. I did not argue, because I was a weak leader in my home. 

After almost 14 years, the long dark night of my soul is over. I have been forced to look at my weaknesses. I have been given the grace to look to the Lord, from whence comes my help (Psalm 121). I can now understand doubt. I can tolerate weakness in myself and others better than I ever did when I was “strong.” 

My storm, my darkness, my wanderings, my doubts were all of my own doing, unaided by anyone or anything. My rescue, my restoration in grace, my return to favor in ministry, has nothing to do with me, but with Him whom my soul loves. 

To God be the glory! There is always a way out of darkness and into the light.