When I started this series, I had one rule for the StoryTellers: Every storm must have a sunrise.
Today, I am breaking that rule.
Because I am compassionate. And because I have endured a Storm similiar to the one this StoryTeller is facing. And I lost my cousin shortly after he got stuck in this same tempest–which, sadly, he did not survive. So I know how hard these winds hit. For this reason, I have been “praying without ceasing” for Ellen.
And though she may be so battered by her storm and so scarcely believe me, I would walk through fire for this woman. Anything for her to see the sunrise. In fact, when I first read of her Raging Storm, I wanted so badly to sweep her off her feet and take her to a place where she is loved without doubt. Appreciated without betrayal. Cared for without reservation. I do not believe in fairy tales, but I do believe in such a Place where all of that, and so much more, is possible. Your sun is rising, Ellen. Even when this life drags us down…
AND THE STORM STILL RAGES
by Ellen
I wish I were writing about my storm past-tense. But I’m not. I find myself smack-dab in the middle of the worst storm of my life. One that, in the moments when I’m brutally honest, I don’t think I can recover from.
My husband has been having an affair for eighteen months.
I’ve known since it first began and have confronted him on it more times than I can count. Each of those times, he lied straight to my face. Worse, he loaded me with guilt for even thinking such a thing. He justified his close “friendship” with the other woman by scolding me for the intimacy I’d sought with friends and the online community. It always ended with me sobbing, and him angry. At me.
By December of 2007, I was in bad shape. I had withdrawn into myself. I refused to attend social functions. I was a paranoid crazy woman who obsessed anytime my husband received a text, disappeared on the phone, went back to his office at night. My chronic fatigue escalated, yet sleep was elusive. I was physically ill almost all the time. I thought I was going out of my mind, and I found myself pondering suicide. A doctor diagnosed me with depression and prescribed anti-depressants.
Fast forward to six weeks ago. While the suicidal ideations had subsided, everything else had gotten worse. I continued to sob to my husband, begging for the truth. And he continued to look me in the eye and not only lie, but make it all my fault. Until, for the first time, I held physical proof in my hands. As I coerced it out of him, I finally heard the details of what I’d known to be true all along.
They’ve been involved for a year and a half. They’ve had sex. They love each other.
The woman works with my husband; she was also my friend. Did I mention that my husband and I are both in full-time ministry? We are.
From where I sit right now, I see no calm after the storm. I can’t imagine coming out on the other side of this. Yet I know that even though I don’t see Him or feel Him right now, God is still here. His heart breaks with mine, and He’s holding me.
I just wish that felt more real than the painful pieces of my broken heart.
Ellen, I’m crying. I don’t know how to reach out to you. I don’t know how to love you and yet I’m longing to hold you…to let you know you are not alone. I want to help you pick up the pieces of your heart, but I’m not even sure who you are…
…so I’ll pray.
I’ll pray and pray and pray…
God will never leave you. If I feel this way about someone I do not even know, God is feeling your pain even more. He knows every detail of your life, every hurt you are feeling. And He loves you more than anyone on this earth.
My heart is broken for you. I am so sorry for what you are enduring. Please know someone is praying for you.
Oh Ellen, the pain of being betrayed so brutally must be appalling. Like Michelle, I wish I could somehow pick up the pieces of your heart and cradle them; give them a safe place where healing could start.
I pray that God will send you the right people to carry you through this. I pray that He will give you strength. To persevere.
And I pray that everyone who reads your story will also pray for you, and that they will each leave some message to encourage you, so that you know you’re being supported and that God is with you.
God bless you Ellen.
Michelle – Your words mean more than you know. More than I can say right now. Thank you for praying, and for holding my heart…
LostSheep – God has indeed put some people in my life to walk with me through this time, and I have a dear friend who has kept my head above water the past two months. The prayers being whispered on my behalf are not in vain; thank you for praying…
Nice to hear you have support, Ellen.
And if ever you should need a shoulder, just let me know.
I know that sounds like a cliche–and I hate cliches–but I hope you know…I mean it.
(Fixed the frightening avi for you. Heh.)
Ellen, I know this kind of betrayal, and I know how it gets turned around on you. Sweet thing, You did nothing wrong. Do you believe that? Believe it. My heart is breaking, and pleading with GOD to move quickly and bring to the light all that HE is after in this, and to give you peace. But more than that I am praying that HE holds you, and becomes the very breath you take, each and evey step through your day, and sits with you as this sun rises. I don’t know you, and I love you. You are my sister in Christ. Don’t let go..hold on tight to HIM with two hands.
Thank you for your courage to write this story. I have new courage in you this morning to write more of my story, where I just couldn’t even yesterday.
Praying for your sunrise!
Nor – Thanks for your kind words. (And for fixing my scary Avi!)
Darla – I’m sorry you can relate… And your prayers are perfect. I’ve read over your words several times now, letting my heart pray them for myself. Thank you…
Dear friend – I have never walked through this – but I know our God. And I’ve seen Him work in exactly these situations before. Big is not big to Him. Overwhelming is manageable. Burdensome is light. ALL THINGS work together … because He is the Master designer. He doesn’t only design once. He keeps designing. He has a design for your heart in this moment and in the next, and in all the moments to come. He is your shelter, He is your shade. He is the lifter of your head. Have you read Isaiah 54 lately? That is one of my favorite passages. I see the LOVE He has for the broken hearted so clearly. SO clearly. He weeps for the pain in your heart my friend. And even knowing it … He rejoices for the joy of what He has planned for YOU. You are not forgotten. His eyes are on YOU … with tenderness. You ARE loved.
Ellen- don’t be sorry that I can relate..I know the sunrise you are going to see…spectacular…and you are going to love it! Praying for you…stay in HIS shadow..HE is the very best!!!
When in the middle of the storm, it is hard to hear, feel and touch God as you do outside the storm. That is when you need the body of Christ to reach out to you, offer you support, love and prayers. That is also when you need to be sure to stay in the Word. I’d like to share from a time when I was in the middle of my storm and it was much like yours. I can assure you He is aware, He is holding you, He is there beside you, trust in Him, no other. Acts 27:27-44 – the story of a storm at sea with almost certain death. The difference was one who loved and knew God. He did two things, gave food for physical strength and prayer for spiritual assistance. My journal from that time reads,”Storms come to us in life. Do we allow ourselves to drown in them or do we turn to God for wisdom and help. The sailors worked to save the ship. Then they worked to get to land. Paul prayed and broke bread. He ate and encourged them to eat for strength. The food for physical and the prayer for spiritual. We need to do likewise. Stay in touch with God and His Word, Keep our strength up. He is in control.”
I will be praying for you, your spiritual safety, your peace and healing. I love you and know you can survive this.
Ellen,
I don’t know you but I like everyone else here wants to run to you and hold you. I cannot tell you how angry I am at the mistress. I want to know is she really in love to ruin a marriage, a ministry bond, and friendship. Give me a rake and I’ll chase her. But then that wouldn’t be what God would want me to do.
He wants me to be praying and being an intercessor for the healing that needs to take place here. He needs to be praying that the husband turns and looks at himself in the mirror a full length mirror and to come so broken before God that he finds the truth of what this has cause.
Ellen, if I was your friend, I would invite you to my side of the couch, give you a warm cup of latte, and just listen as you poured your soul.
If you would find yourself silent… I would wait and pray and be your whatever until it was time.
Tonight Ellen, I pray that you find arms this weekend, someone to stir your soul. To make you excited again or even laugh.
I pray that you will get so close to God’s bosom you hear His heart beating through you.
Stand Tall Ellen, You serve a BIG God, Healer, Redeemer, but most of all He’s your daddy waiting with open arms….
As I tell my friends …. Holding and loving … I pray you have one of those kind of friends tonight.
Shalom and Blessings!!
Ellen~I am holding you in my spirit; asking the Father to comfort you and reveal Himself to you in a way He has never done before. I do know the pain that comes from betrayal and while I know it could never be the exact same pain as yours as every situation is different, I do know that we serve the same God who heals those who are hurting. I pray for your healing, for God to reveal His Will for this situation, and most of all for peace that surpasses all understanding. I love you and praise God for the strength He has given you thus far. I know He will continue to strengthen you through this. Like Nor said, the sunrise is at the horizon. It’s close my sister.
Annie — I love Isaiah 54. Thank you for the suggestion to read it… I’m going to tonight. You strengthened my heart with your words.
Gracie — I don’t challenge the truth in your words, but the reality for me right now is that it’s hard. I don’t feel I’m running from God but just that I’m not running toward Him. I am weary, inside and out. I know He is right there; I’m trusting (hoping? wanting?) Him to just lean in and scoop me up…
Heidi — “Give me a rake and I’ll chase her.” Thank you for making me laugh. And for making me feel utterly loved. Your friends are blessed to call you theirs.
Gchyayles — “…in a way He has never done before” — I heard a resounding “amen” in my heart when I read that. Thank you so much for your prayers.
Ellen: Don’t know if you’ve seen it yet, but Darla wrote another part to her story. Thought maybe you should take a look.
http://4evrhis.wordpress.com/2009/01/29/down-to-the-bottomlifter-of-my-head-iv/
Love you.
Thank you for the link, Nor. I am headed over there…
Isa 43:18-19 18
“Do not remember the former things, Nor consider the things of old. 19 Behold, I will do a new thing, Now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness And rivers in the desert. NKJV
Jer 29:11-14 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. 12 In those days when you pray, I will listen. 13 If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. 14 I will be found by you,” says the Lord.
You are in my prayers, I held you before the Lord all night, and again this morning. He is able, He is faithful. I remember the black night, it was too recent. I remember the despair. I remember the fatigue.
He is there for you, we are here for you. This is the only way I know to reach out to you, to offer encouraement, hope. Your sunrise will come. I know you can’t even see a glimmer of it, that is what faith is for, believing something that can’t be seen.
I love you even though I don’t know you because I do know you, we are one in our suffering. I want to just hold your hand, sit with you in the dark, and wait with you for the sunlight, sonlight that is coming.
Thank you for praying so much for me. And for your words of encouragement.
The comments may have stopped.
But the prayers–and hopes–continue, Ellen.
Mmm… Thank you, Nor.
You are very welcome, Ellen.
Hi Ellen,
Thanks for sharing your story. I understand how you feel because I’m living through it myself. It’s been 2 years since everything fell apart in my marriage. Somehow it’s worse when it’s with your friend that your husband betrays you. It’s like a double betrayal.
Although my storm isn’t over, it’s lessened somewhat. And I have found my safe place in the tender love of the Lord. He is healing me and showing me the truth of who I am. In those early days when it was all so much in my face, I couldn’t sleep because it hurt so much. I discovered that the Lord would carry my pain if I gave it to Him. Then He would give me peace and I could go to sleep. There were days I ached with the need to feel loved — like starving for it. And as soon as I cried out to God, He would be right there holding me, pouring His love into my heart. It’s strange to try to describe but that’s what happened and still does when I need Him.
Whatever it is that I have needed, He has supplied in one way or another — comfort, love, peace, hope, truth, a shoulder to cry on. Our hearts matter to Him more than we can ever know. And it took going through the hell of all this mess for me to discover what an amazing Lord I have.
Early on, the Lord gave me these verses and He continues to remind me of them. I hope they will comfort you like they have me.
Isaiah 54: 5, 6, 10 “For your Maker is your husband — the Lord Almighty is his name — the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth. The Lord will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit, a wife who married young only to be rejected,” says your God. “Though the mountains be shaken and the hills removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken, nor my convenant of peace be removed,” says the Lord, who has compassion on you.
angela – thank you for sharing part of your story with me. [and i apologize - i only saw your comment now!] i’m sorry that you can relate so well to what i’m going through. thank you for holding out hope for me. and that passage in isaiah is one i’ve been clinging to as well. thank you…